I've been thinking.
You can pat me on the back for that, or you can wait.
Was it worth the wait?:
I've been thinking about friendships. And balance, reciprocity. And what you need to know about yourself to have friendships that span coasts & continents. I've been thinking about culpability & excuses. Guilt. And how you need to acknowledge your own selfishness & tiredness in order to fight those urges & have friendships that expand & grow, not just simmer & maintain. That friendships can't really be enriched or flourish (I know these are totally new-agey terms) without being honest with yourself, without an awareness of how you, specifically, engage.
I love my friends so much! I think about my friends all the time. And I've been thinking that often I let 1) my tiredness 2) my relatively not-fascinating life 3) & my pure, unadultered hatred of the telephone inhibit or even prohibit the frequency & intensity in which I keep in touch with the people I love.
I've realized that saying I hate the phone is NOT a real excuse. Because I love the people who pick up the phone when I call. And that because I hate the phone, I avoid making phone calls, and then when I finally call people, I dread it, because it's been so long that I get nervous I won't remember any of the details of my life that might be good to share. I'm afraid that I will call someone and then say, "Oh, I don't know what I've been up to..." And then my friend will realize that I'm a dull brick of a person.
So one thing I'm going to do is start calling my friends more often. Are you ready? Are you? I hope you are.
The other thing is that I love handwritten letters. And postcards. And I do not dread sitting down to write a letter. I don't dread that at all. Sometimes I let my tiredness get in the way. I say, "I'm so sleepy." I forget how little effort & energy it actually takes to find a pen & write a letter to a friend. So I am going to make a serious attempt at writing letters with unflappable frequency to those I love. So, if you would like letters, send me your mailing address to my gmail & I will save it & write to you.
It's already begun. Letters are being written & sent through the mail.
Also, apologies if there is a high amount of typos in this post but I'm in Mexico & the spell check switches to Spanish here...so.