Monday, May 5, 2008

Your Face Is The Highest Number I Can Count to Press

1) Let's not forget about the Anne Carson /Graham Foust reading tonight. 7:30pm.

2) Look, I am helping to organize a massive poetry reading
Saturday May 17th
in Brooklyn
sponsored by the journals Cannibal, Saltgrass, Harp & Altar, and TIGHT.

Please come.
You won't be disappointed.

Guess who is reading for Saltgrass?:

Ana Božičević, Frank Sherlock, Matthew Rohrer, and Kate Greenstreet


You just stood up on your chair and beat your chest like a bonobo, didn't you?

More info:

Poetry Goose Up
at East Coast Aliens

Saturday, May 17th, 3-8pm
Doors 2:30 pm, readings from 3-8 pm
$6

Ana Božičević
John Coletti
Kate Greenstreet
Sarah Gridley
Katy Henriksen
Shannon Jonas
Jennifer Kronovet
Mark Lamoureux
Timothy Liu
Chris Martin
Jess Mynes
Cate Peebles
Christopher Rizzo
Matthew Rohrer
Frank Sherlock
Joanna Sondheim
Shanxing Wang
Rebecca Wolff

Hosted by Cannibal, Saltgrass, Harp & Altar, & Tight

East Coast Aliens
216 Franklin St
btwn. Green & Huron
Greenpoint, Brooklyn
G to Greenpoint Ave (exit at India St)
B61/B43/B42

Make a day of it, or 1/2 a day of it. You will get to see me very flustered and running around, but also completely excited about how many amazing poets are coming together for this reading. You can point and laugh at my frenzy if that implies you will be there. Please be in the bandstand, please hang out with me between the readings, please drink yourself silly on a lovely Saturday afternoon.

Save the date: Saturday May 17th
.

***

3) I am about to get an apartment in Sunset Park, on the express N line. For anyone that lives in Brooklyn and works in the city, are you not incredibly proud of me for finding an affordable apartment by an express line? Well, think about being proud of me.

Of course, though, I couldn't do the whole apartment search without one incredibly awkard moment. So:

When I went to check the apartment out yesterday it was super hot out. Lovely hot. But I left my house at like 11:30am, so I wasn't wearing the right clothing since it was chilly in the morning. It was 80 degrees by 2:30pm, though, and I was still stuck in a sweater, a hoodie, a vest, and a scarf. (I hate being cold so I'm cautious, ok?) Anyways, we got to the apartment and it was really sunny but all the windows were closed. The manager showed me the place and he was sweating profusely, and since we were filling out forms there, we stayed in the kitchen for like 20 minutes.
He took off his sweater.
Then I took off my vest.
Then he took of his hat and fanned his face.
Then I took off my hoodie.
Then he wiped the sweat from his forehead.
Then I took off my scarf.
Mind you the super for the building was also hanging out in the doorframe, blocking any new air that could come into the apartment. The realtor kept apologizing and saying, "I'm sorry, don't be weirded out- I'm the manager of the whole realty company and I don't know why I'm so sweaty today." Or "Sorry, I didn't know it was going to be so hot out today. Don't be afraid of the aprtment because I am a sweaty man today." And I kept laughing and saying variations of, "Don't worry, Ihave a pile of layers on the kitchen floor of an apartment that isn't mine yet." But he kept apologizing. And I kept kicking my pile of winter clothing with my feet as I filled out the lease form stuff. To his credit, he was very professional and helpful besides the sweat.

Please wish me luck that this works out in the next few days. You have no idea how many scams there are on Craigslist. Want to see? I'm pasting below TWO separate replies I got when I sent emails. You understand that the next email they send is asking you to send them money so that they can send you keys since they are "out of town but are offering such a great deal." Yeah...such a waste of time:

A) Hello,
Thanks for your quick response and your interest in having my apartment for rent. But right now I am in Lagos,Nigeria 23401 on a Christain Missionary Mission with my wife (Madelyn) and we have the keys of our apartment right here with us. I will like to inform you that it was due to my transfer that makes us to leave the house and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a resposible and reliable person that can take very good and proper care of it as we are not after the money for the rent but want our apartment to be clean at the time and the person that will rent will take it as if i t were its own. So for now,We are here in West Africa,NIGERIA in our new house and also with the keys of the house,we are trying to look for an agent that we can give this document before we left but could not see and we are as well as don't want our house to be used any how in our absent that is why we took it along with us here.We are only willing to give the apartment out to a lovely and caring family only, so if you know you cannot give the apartment the neatness and cleanliness it deserves please don't contact me. But if you promise to always take good care of apartment,get back to me on how you could take care of our house or perhaps experience you have in renting home.Hope you are okay with the price of $650 with 2 bedroom Apartment, finished top and bottom, garage, A/C, 6 appliances included, no smoking Appliances: Dishwasher Dryer Electric Stove Freezer/Deep Freeze Fridge Microwave Washer Interior: Air Conditioning Finished Basement Hardwood Storage Area/Room Tile Floors Window Coverings
Thanks, Await your reply.
Pastor John Collins

B)Hello,

Before everything I would like to clear up some details regarding the apartment, in order that every single detail can be clear.


LOCATION: 51 Essex Street #1, New York, NY 10002

HUGE apartment with 2 REAL BEDROOMS on the LES for rent! This apartment is located at Grand and Essex streets on the Lower East Side. It is app. 1000 sq. feet, has 8 oversized windows; even the bathroom has a window! The space is light and airy has 10 foot ceilings, 2 bedrooms and 5 closets!!

Hardwood Floor
Storage Space
Parking Options: Off-site/Street

1,000 Sq.F
2 Bedrooms
1 Bathroom


Like I said before, in my previous e-mail, the lease could be between 1-3 years, or short term lease for minimum 6 months. I'm the rightful owner of this apartment, and you don't have to pay any broker fee or something similar.

I have included all the utilities in the price (rent/month), as: gas, electricity, water, trash,
internet connection, TV-cable, etc.

Everything inside is functional. If you need to do some reparations in the apartment, I will
refund the reparations cost, or I will deduct that expenses from your monthly payment. In case you brake something, for example a window or a mirror, that is not my responsibility, and you will pay for that...minor problems.

As I'm in London right now the situation has become a little bit complicated because I must come back and sign the contract with you (lease contract).

I need the deposit paid in advance, (2,850 USD), and I will book a flight to come back immediately. Unfortunately, only my wife and I, have the entrance keys, and she's here with me.

NO ONE ELSE HAVE ACCESS THERE. This is 100% legit and secure and I hope that you understand why I need that deposit for. The procedure sounds a little bit complicated but in fact is very simple and it's the only way, because we don't have any good friends or family there to help us rent this apartment.

I'm sure this is a great offer and you will have all the comfort staying there because no one will be bothering you, including me or my family, because we are far away...We shall communicate over the phone constantly.

IF YOU AGREE THE TERMS PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME TO GO FURTHER, IF YOU DON'T, PLEASE DON'T TRY TO NEGOTIATE. DUE TO MY SITUATION I'M NOT ABLE TO NEGOTIATE MY TERMS.

Phone: (011) +447031812115 anytime

Best Wishes...
Kristian


***

Really, you need my money to fly back because you can't mail your keys to a friend and have them show the apartment for you?

"Pastor John Collins" and "Kristian" can suck it.


***

1 comment:

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